And Again.

We’ve had pretty perfect fall weather since the weekend. Low’s in the 50’s (and high 40’s!) with a slight breeze in the morning. The sun comes out and - bam! - it’s in the low 70’s. Definitely sweater weather. Also, my favorite time of year.

Monday, I received my covid bivalent booster and my annual flu shot. I went in around lunchtime, planning that I might possibly feel a bit puny by bedtime. I slept nine hours, in my fall pj’s with the window open and an extra blanket. It was heavenly. I purposely left my calendar empty yesterday so I could just rest. I woke up feeling off and spent the majority of the day on the couch, watching Making The Cut, dreaming about sewing clothes, knitting sweaters and buying shoes. Sully cuddled up next to me for a good part of the afternoon. Jane had the day off (big update: she graduated from college in May!) and hung out with me a bit, too. I forced myself to stand around five o’clock, walked Sully around the block and made an easy, low-effort, yummy dinner. After, I read a mystery and then turned the TV back on. Bedtime was a repeat of the night before - a glorious nine hours of sleep. I woke this morning, feeling better, but not at full capacity. I am taking it easy - sewing a bit, knitting a bit, doing laundry and planning to nap. All good. All needed. All restorative.

I haven’t been in this space for over two years. When I go back and read what I wrote in 2020, I can feel the anxiety in my writing. I don’t really want to remember that part of the pandemic - the racing heart, the inability to watch the news, the uncertainty of all of it, the fear I felt. For a year and a half, I was not myself. I struggled. Everyone struggled. We were all struggling ALONE and TOGETHER. It was so strange (still is a bit).

There were some good things and those I want to remember. I had both of the girls under the same roof for six months - something I had never thought would happen after Jane graduated from high school in 2018. Sully had joined us two months before lockdown and he brought the fun for everyone. We watched a lot of movies, taking turns choosing what to watch. I read and read and read - 91 books in 2020. The girls baked cookies and banana bread. I learned about sourdough and bought a pizza oven (hello pandemic purchase!). We zoomed with family and friends that we hadn’t chatted with in a long time. Our next door neighbors were our bubble - we shared drinks and meals outside on each others’ decks. We made calculated decisions about traveling and ended up driving to Colorado in a rented mini van so we could take the dog. Kate started college. The holidays were spent at home quietly. And I walked outside, no matter the weather, almost every day. I still do that now.

I have missed writing here. I didn’t feel very creative during most of 2020 and 2021 and I also didn’t feel like I had much to say. It’s strange, missing the creativity and the writing, but also not feeling like I could not do much about that. Anxiety was (is?) the problem. It crippled me, making me feel very much not myself. After long talks with my doctor and some self-exploration, I decided to go on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication last fall. It was the best decision for me. Slowly, I have come back to myself and am feeling creative. I think I might even have some things to share now and then. Some sewing. Some knitting. Maybe some painting. Definitely some writing.

Hello.

Here I am.

Again.