Being a beginner

I returned to painting this past winter. I wanted to say January, but I am not so sure about that. Regardless, for a variety of reasons (none of which I remember except that I starting on my medallion book), I stopped painting about six years ago. At the end of 2021, I felt like I needed to jump start my creativity. I wasn’t interested in sewing - after 1000’s of masks, that part of my creativity dried up for a long while. I had been knitting a lot. And I was baking bread. A lot of bread. But I wanted to do something more. Something different. Painting won.

I pulled my bag of paints off the same shelf where I had sat them six years prior. They were housed in a small plastic box, the kind that kids keep their pencils, crayons, glue sticks and treasures in at school. The plastic box was kept in a free-with-purchase art store tote bag along with my portfolio of brushes, some palette paper, odd photos of things I thought I might one day paint and one of Fatty’s old shirts, now covered in smears of yellow ochre and sap green. There was even a small canvas in there so I was ready to jump back in.

I quickly realized that the thing about picking up something I had put down many years ago was that I am not the same person. I know that sounds obvious, but it took me a beat. I now need glasses to read and, duh, paint. Lightbulb! I couldn’t remember how to gray out colors (add the color opposite on the color wheel!) or really how much white I use (a lot.) Lightbulb! Lightbulb! And back in the winter I was no longer confident enough in my abilities to start painting from those long forgotten photos. Instead, I did exactly what I did when I was a beginner the first time - I copied other paintings.

Being a beginner is entirely freeing. You are there to learn something - a skill, a language, a craft - and if it doesn’t come together entirely well or is a disaster, it doesn’t matter. You are learning by doing. By experimenting. By trying. By making. It can be empowering to find yourself picking up a new skill quickly or very humbling if it takes awhile. The end result does not matter. It’s the process - the showing up, bravely, and giving it a go. Trying new things. Failing and trying again.

After a few Thursdays in the studio, I finished a painting. It was pretty good for a restart. The second one was nice, too. I wasn’t happy with the third one, but I kept going. I have finished about a dozen canvases this year and I feel excited to get to the studio each week I can. For me, the key is not being attached to the outcome. Painting for painting’s sake. At least for the time being.

Which brings me to this blog. I know the writing is going to be clunky for a bit. Just like this post, which I promised myself I would not edit. So I am going to go ahead and press publish without worrying about it.

But I am here. Trying. Showing up. A beginner again.