Cravings

I’ve been craving baked good. Cookies, cake, pie (apple, please!), fruit crisps with oaty, sugary topping. Is it the time of the year? Possibly. The days are getting shorter and colder. I have worn my Birkenstocks for the last time this season and am pulling out my warmest sweaters. I’ve bought new boots.

I’ve felt very tender in the last couple of weeks. There is not one thing making me feel this way. It’s an accumulation of so many things - some big and some small. Mostly having to do with this stage of life. My children are grown, but not entirely out on their own. My daily focus has shifted from taking care of everyone else to just taking care of myself. And Sully. It’s a liminal time and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

When I find myself a little rudderless, I turn to making. Sewing, knitting, baking, cooking, painting…anything that moves my hands and creates something at the end. Although I have been pulled to baking, I haven’t been following through. It seems silly to bake an entire pie or a batch of cookies for two people. Especially when one of those people doesn’t really care for sweets. (Not me.) But I have found myself perusing the bakery section at the grocery store, hoping that something store bought would jump out and say, “Me! Pick me!” Yet nothing looks as good as what I can make.

I bought a bag of chocolate chips, although I was pretty certain there were some in the pantry (there weren’t!). That night before dinner, I pulled out my kitchen binder and flipped to the well-worn, hastily handwritten recipe and got to work. I portioned out 16 cookies on two trays and baked them. I portioned out another two dozen cookies on a small tray and popped that in the freezer. I licked the beater, satisfied. Some cookies for now, some for later. Today’s Erin creating comfort for future Erin.

And the next night, I made the apple crisp and it was heavenly. We’re still eating it.