I walk outside almost every day. It might be five miles (most days) or three miles (some days) or just around the block (for Sully), but I do it. If it is cold, if it is hot, if it cloudy or sunny or windy or rainy, I do it. It can be difficult to motivate when the weather is bad or chilly – it is so much easier in the sun and warm air – but I do it. I go mostly alone and I never listen to anything. It’s just me (and Sully) and the world outside. I relish that time, whether it is 15 minutes or 90 minutes. It’s meditative and restoring. I let my mind rest, my thoughts go and just be.
It’s full-on spring headed into summer here and my walks are starting earlier and earlier each week. On my walk Saturday, as I crossed the second busy street on my loop, I took in the roundabout with the statue, all the spring flowers, the historic homes and the sun shining low in the sky. It hit me then, this overwhelming sense of sadness that I am feeling for a moment or two every day. It comes out of nowhere and on Saturday, it was because I realized that this should be Derby week. It is always a festive and happy time in our city, but not this year. On Sunday, the moment came when Kate showed me the video the school sent of the teachers on zoom all dancing to the Friends theme song. Yesterday, it was when I realized I had forgotten to get garlic bread for Jane’s dinner choice at the market. Silly things that shouldn’t derail me, but they do.
These moments are just that: moments. I have to remind myself of this frequently. I am working hard not to dwell on the negative and it is difficult work for me. I have no reason to complain – we are healthy, we are together, we have what we need. I know this. Still, I have to look for the good, for the things I am grateful for, for the happy and carefree moments. They are there and I am trying so so hard to see them. To notice them when they are happening. To catalogue them. To hold them in my back pocket as reminders when the moments are not so good.
To that end, I am lacing up my sneakers and taking it outside. I’m going to let my mind rest while my body moves. The forecast had predicted rain, but it is 60 degrees with 0% chance at the moment. One more good moment to add to the others I am carrying with me.
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